Sometimes being nice sucks

Do you ever get that overwhelming urge to just say what is on your mind?  The urge to go off on somebody who has done something to piss you off?  The urge to just yell and get it all out?  I have that urge often but rarely do it.  Some days, like today, I hate being a nice person.

I'm not going to get into what the current thing is that pissed me off today. I don't know who all reads this blog although the person who pissed me off, I highly doubt they do.

The thing is, what pisses me off is something that they refuse to do for me right now...really almost the entire time I've been pregnant.  However it's something that I would do for them in a heart beat if the roles were reversed.  It's something I have done for others without thinking twice.  It's something I would do for friendship.

Perhaps I shouldn't say I'm pissed off, I'm hurt.  That's it. I'm incredibly hurt.

That leaves me to really think about my relationship with this person and if the friendship is worth it.  Some people, it's all about them.  They are very selfish and can't see past what works for them.  Do I need that in my life?  No, not really.  However do I look forward to losing a friend over it?  No.  It's a war of emotions right now. A war I would rather not deal with.

If I could just yell at this person and tell them how I feel, I would feel better.  It feels good to get it all out.  However, the problem is then they would probably feel like crap.  Which would in turn make me feel like crap. So in the end I don't say anything because I would rather just be upset by what they did to piss me off instead of being upset because I made them feel bad.  Sometimes being a nice person really sucks.  Sometimes being nice is overrated.

I can't be alone in this?  Do you guys ever have these types of issues?  I hope so.  Not that I want you to feel like crap, I just want to know that I'm not alone.

Help from unexpected places

I recently wrote a post in how I mentioned my struggle with depression lately and finally seeking help and having to be comfortable with the fact that it wasn't a sign of weakness but a sign of strength.  

One of the things that I knew I should do but had trouble with was opening up to people. In my other post I even mentioned how I did open up to somebody and it had disastrous results (for me).  Of course that was all that was needed for me to reside even more inside myself.

Then I had a couple people reach out to me and for some reason I responded.  I think part of the reason I responded was the help I received from the therapist.  Oddly enough the other reason I responded was that they reached out at the perfect time..I was at rock bottom.  I had just been told by the therapist that I needed to talk to people and that most people, true friends, would not dismiss what I was saying or blow me off.  Rather they would care about what I was going through and want to help.  What is weird is that a couple of the people who reached out to me and that I responded to were perfect strangers.

Strangers you ask?  Yeah..I know. It doesn't make much sense.  I knew these people via social media but had never had a conversation with them.   I had made a comment that, while I mentioned depression, I had tried to joke about it.  Both of these people saw through that and sent me private messages.

One person I talk to once in awhile now via email and have met with her to run with.  Running with somebody who is there to listen and help is very comforting.  I'll talk about some of the things bothering me and she listens.   A lot of times we don't even talk about whats bothering me. I think she realized that I had gone from running with others every weekend to running by myself since they didn't want to slow their pace and I had no choice. (Ok..and I can't blame them. It's hard to slow down your pace when you don't have to and I can't expect others to change their training just because I have to change mine.)   So just being able to have a social run again really lifted my spirits.  Here was somebody I had never met before, they realized I was going through some stuff, they said hey..I suffer from depression and we're running about the same pace these days, let's hook up.  For that..I'm extremely grateful.

The other stranger that reached out to me actually got a lot, and I do mean a lot, of very lengthy emails from me just bearing my sole. At least that's what I feel like I did.  There was one specific occasion, soon after they reached out to me, where I had been fighting a break down all morning.  Husband left the house to go do something and within an hour I couldn't hold it together any more. I had been in the kitchen baking and I literally just scooted down to the floor and cried for awhile.  It was bad, really bad.  Then I remembered this person and I was grasping at straws so I got up and got on my pc and just sent this person an incredibly long email about the things that caused this.  I think I stopped crying towards the end of typing it.  I sent the email and I sat there for awhile composing myself.  While it was incredibly hard for me to actually send that email and admit things about myself to somebody, things I don't admit to people, I could actually feel myself starting to pull out of this specific break down. Actually getting it out and talking to somebody, even though that talking was an email and there was no response right away, just the act of doing it helped.

Here's the thing.  This person might not have had the answers to all my problems but they replied.  They responded to my emails and they gave me words of encouragement and they made me feel like I wasn't alone and I wasn't going crazy.   They touched on some of the issues I was dealing with and helped me to come to terms with things and help me work through them.  They also encouraged me to continue to open up to them and use them as a sounding board.  See..I usually ended each email by thanking them for listening and apologizing for the length and just venting.  So to have them not only do what they could to help me with my issues but to also put me at ease and let me know it was ok to reach out to them and that they wanted me to.   And you know what?  This person even sent me their telephone number so that if I was having a break down I could call or text and they could help me right then.  That was a huge turning point for me. It's hard to share that kind of info with people, you don't know all the crazies out there.  So we actually started to  "talk" via text a bit.  We are both runners, so when not dealing with my mental issues we started talking about running and supporting each other with that.  Then we found out that we work in the same field and do very similar jobs.   Slowly we've became pretty good friends.  I actually talk to this person almost daily.

In fact, even though I hadn't had issues for almost 4 weeks, I had one really bad day recently. This person realized I wasn't logged into any chat sessions like I usually am and contacted me. I told them that it was a bad day and I just didn't want to talk and they assured me that they were there if I needed it.  So you know what. in the afternoon I checked in and asked if they had time.  We got on chat and I told this person what was going on and it really helped.  They really helped me out and let me know that what was bothering me, which was something that had happened the night before, was not just me being all pregnancy hormonal but my feelings were valid and anybody would have reacted the same way.  I think having the confirmation that I wasn't just crazy and that it wasn't just the hormones causing me to feel the way I was really helped.

Then, lastly, one other person really made an impact. I had made myself invisible on one of the chat sessions I'm usually logged in to because I was doing so bad and couldn't handle just dealing with most people.  When I started to pull out I took myself off of invisible status.  I kid you not, within an hour this person contacted me.  They had been worried because they hadn't seen me online for awhile.  Now, why I didn't open up to this person is beyond me. I actually helped him through some serious issues last year and he really opened up to me.  So I should have known that if I had done the same to him, he would have been there.  So I explained to him that things have been bad and he readily told me that I could talk to him.  I could open up, he wouldn't judge me. He reminded me that he has opened up to me and shared things with me that he hasn't shared with most of his friends.  I've discussed some things with him but still not a whole lot.  Knowing he is there for me, that helps though.  Realizing that he is somebody I can open up to and not be judged, helps a lot.   We actually talk a lot during the week too and he's having some issues with stuff going on in his life that he's talking to me about and I'm helping him with.  What I love, though, is that even though some serious things are going on in his life and I'm helping him with it, not a day (that we talk anyway) goes by that he doesn't ask me how I'm doing and asks me if I'm doing ok.  He makes sure that him getting some help from me was not making my issues worse or that he wasn't putting himself above me.  You know what, that makes a world of difference in my book.  He's going through some major stuff but taking time out to recognize that I might still be having problems and being willing to put his aside to help me if I needed it that day.  That, that's what it's all about folks.

So that's another lengthy post from me where I talk about my problems.  Well, I don't really tell you about my problems, but admit to having them.  It shows, though, that one of the hardest things for me (us) to do, opening up to others, is actually probably the best thing that we can do.  Sometimes it's not going to be your best friend who helps you out but rather somebody you barely know who recognizes that something is wrong and says "hey..you don't really know me but I'm hear for you, I want to help."  If you're like me, you might even respond to that because the person doesn't "know" you, they might not even live in your town, and for some reason that seems safe.

So if you take anything away from this, take this.  If you are having a rough time of things and opening up and talking isn't something you normally do, the next person that offers, take them up on it. It might just be the light at the end of the tunnel you've been looking for.  That being said, knowing that I struggle with this too, I want you to know that you are more than welcome to send me an email and I will listen and I will help as best I can without judging you.  I will obviously understand how hard it was for you to do that and you know that I'm "safe" and will understand.  Shoot..I won't even send you a bill. :)

Asking for help is not a weakness

I've helped several friends through some tough times and I've told even more that when things are rough, you need to talk about it and it's ok to see a therapist. It is NOT a sign of weakness to reach out.    Yet when I started to hit rock bottom I resisted asking for help. I didn't want to open up to friends and I didn't want to seek out a therapist.  I felt it was a sign of weakness and while I know I'm not always a strong person I like to pretend I'm strong.  If I admitted to how bad the depression was it meant I was weak.  If I had to ask for help instead of working through things on my own, it meant I was weak.

Taking our own advice is the hardest thing to do sometimes.

I suppose I'm starting to use this blog as a big of self therapy.  I don't run the risk of running in to any of you in my day-to-day activities, I don't think anybody I know in my home town actually reads this.  For some reason it feels safe.

I admit to having a lot of problems, a lot of things that I've never worked through that have been with me since my teenage years.  Normally this is not an issue as when I feel myself starting to get depressed and the old insecurities and crap start to creep up I can work through it before things are bad.    I suppose all the extra hormones kept me from being able to do that this time.  I started to get bad in August and it just got worse and worse until I was having a major break down at least once a week.  I tried to hide it, I don't think most knew what was going on or if they did notice a change they didn't realize it was as bad as it was.   If I happened to mention being depressed people would comment that it was the hormones and it was common to be upset over nothing.

I wasn't upset over nothing.  Everything that was depressing me were things that bother me a lot. This time I just couldn't fight it.

I tried to take my own advice and I reached out to somebody that I thought I had a connection with and was close to.  I misjudged that one big time.  Yet like an idiot a little over a month later this person seemed like they were reaching out to me and I opened up again, thinking the first time was a fluke.  Bad move.  It's really hard for me to open up to people so for me to open up to somebody and to be ignored and treated the way I was, not good.  At least I can use this as a learning experience.

Now, you might be wondering where Husband was during all this. I have to say he was great. There were nights I woke up him at night because of the crying and he would be there for me.  There were days he would get home from work and see how bad I was and lay down with me.  The problem was he didn't know what was going on, I wasn't talking. If I did talk I would skirt around the major issues and mention some things but not the major things. I wasn't ready to admit my problems.

It took Husband to tell me several times that I needed to call my OB and tell them what was going on and get on medication for me to make one of the hardest decisions in my life. I called a therapist and made an appointment.  See, you might not see that as being such a hard decision.  For me, I felt like I was being weak.  I wasn't strong. I had to admit that I wasn't strong.  I didn't like how that felt.

It took a lot for me to convince myself that asking for help WAS the strong thing to do, not the weak.  I wasn't showing weakness by admitting that I couldn't handle these things myself. I showed strength in admitting I needed help and taking the necessary steps to get that help.   As you can see, I am talking about this. This is a huge step for me, something I'm working on.  I  have come to realize recently that talking my own advice and talking about it really is the best medicine.  I found help in some very unlikely places, something I'll be touching on in another post.   If nothing else..I think I wanted to talk about this because this might reach somebody who is in a similar situation I was.  Maybe it'll  help somebody else in a time of need. If so, then it was worth it for me to open up with this post.

Astrology - is there some truth to it?

I'm not somebody who follows my astrology or puts much stock in it. Yet sometimes it comes up in conversation with people and I always look up what I am, Libra, and while not everything describes me it's pretty crazy how much does.

Recently I was talking to somebody about Chinese Astrology and how we're both going to have kids born in the year of the dragon. I had to look up with that sign even meant.  While I was at it I decided to see what my sign was and was rather surprised.   This shit is just crazy.

My Chinese astrology is the horse.  Sure there is a lot in the description that I don't feel fits me (I could be wrong) but I was shocked by how much was on point.  It was also weird how I realized a lot of the issues I've been having lately are kinda summed up in this sign, maybe me feel a bit better and like I'm not completely off my rocker.

According to www.astrology.com, "Horses are the nomads of the Chinease Zodiac, roaming from one place or project to the next. All the Sign's incessant activity and searching may be to satisfy a deep-rooted desire to fit in".  Um..yup. It also says that Horses tend to feel "inferior to their peers, a misconception that causes them to drift from group to group out of an irrational fear of being exposed as a fraud."  I can't say the last part is correct but I definitely feel inferior to almost everyone in my life.  It doesn't matter what it is, I always feel like I'm a step behind and not as good as the other person.  So this one is so very true.

One part I found funny was that "Horses crave love and intimacy, which is a double-edged sword since it often leads them to feel trapped". God that is so freaking true.  I crave the intimacy part of a relationship but then I'll turn around and want to be left alone to do my own thing.  It then says "Love connections tend to come easily to Horses, since they exude the kind of raw sex appeal that is a magnet to others. This sign tends to come on strong in the beginning of the relationship, having an almost innate sense of romance and seduction".  Really?  This is so not me.  Somehow I missed the whole sex appeal thing.  I doubt anybody has ever looked at me or thought of me and thought I had it.  Me and sex appeal have never been in the same sentence, at least not with a positive spin. I'm sure somebody has mentioned how I don't have it.

If you haven't looked up your Chinese Zodiac in awhile, give it a shot. If nothing else it might surprise you how eerily accurate it is.