First Marathon Freak Out

It’s been awhile since I posted, lots of stuff has been going on and I just haven’t been able to take the time to do it. I’m hoping to once again get back to updating this blog regularly.  However, more important things to touch on right now.

In 3 days I will be running my very first marathon.  Not only is it a marathon, but it’s a trail marathon.  A trial marathon that I hear are hills the entire 26.2 miles. Am I ready for this? I hope so!
I love my trails, so it’s only natural for me to tackle a trail marathon instead of a flat road marathon for my first one.  In fact, unless it’s at some super duper awesome location (such as Paris) I currently have no desire to do a road marathon. I might change my mind soon, but for right now, I would prefer to stick to trails.
I am pretty good at running hills, I’ll admit that.  However the park I normally train at for trail races isn’t all hills. Each hill has a straight or downhill following it for awhile before the next one. I’m nervous about constantly going up and down.

The temperature is also predicted to be in the low 80’s.  I do NOT run well in the heat.  My body just doesn’t handle it well. 

When I start to over-heat my heart rate goes up.  When I push it on hills my heart rate goes up.  Remember what happens when my heart rate goes up? I puke.

I did have a time goal for this race, I knew what I had hoped my per-mine mile pace would be.  I’m kinda throwing that out the window.  The main goal, with this being the last, is to finish it strong anyway.
So for now my race plan is to carry water with me, stop at each water station to fill up my bottle, drink water, splash water on my head, then continue.  This means a longer marathon but I think it’ll be safer. I also plan to walk hills if I start getting that familiar feeling telling me my HR is skyrocketing.   My goal is to run a safe and smart race and not pay attention to the time. I’ll finish when I do.
My main goal is to go out there and have fun and enjoy the adventure!

That doesn’t mean I’m not freaking out.   I’m FREAKING OUT!

Stay tuned for pictures and a race re-cap next week!

Quivering Quads 2013 – Race Recap

I'm in the yellow jacket. Before the race shot.

Quivering Quads is a half marathon trail race in Troy, Missouri.  This was my first year running this race and I was excited about it even though I was dealing with the stomach bug and injury. The day before the race we had rain, for 5 hours straight.   Over night we had more rain.  Before the race started we had even more rain.  This race turned into an adventure.

At the start of the race we were told the creek crossings were ankle deep.  This ended up being true for some but not others.  The longer you were out there, the higher the water rose and the deeper the creeks were.  When I went through some the water was higher than my knees.  The current was strong too.  I was lucky that I didn’t fall or get pulled under, but others had trouble.  In fact, this is proof that runners are awesome.   There was an older guy in front of me and I kept getting close and then he would get further away.  Well, as luck would have it, I was somewhat close at each creek crossing towards the end of the race.  He would get across, then walk and watch me to make sure I made it across (and talk to me while I was).  Then when I was safe he would take off again.  Now that’s an awesome runner. I couldn’t find him at the finish to thank him either.

waiting for the race to start

The entire course was mud.  And more mud.  On parts, where the trail went downhill, you were just running in a river of water.  Other times you were running through standing water on the trails. If it wasn’t water, it was just mud.   This made for some very interesting situations.  A couple parts of the trail were drop-offs to a creek and it was a long drop-off, you had to walk it due to slipping and sliding with the mud.    I LOVED it.
The first 6 miles of this race were awesome. I felt good. I was having fun.  I started out with people and then slowly I left them behind.  I would catch up to a group or an individual, pass them the first chance I had, then run by myself for awhile.  Then I would see somebody ahead and focus on catching them.  Catch up to them, pass, repeat.  Many of the times when I was by myself and couldn’t see anybody, I would just look around me. It was peaceful. It was beautiful.  I loved being out there.

Then it started to rain again.  I lost feeling in my hands and my arms were numb.  My legs were heavy.  My shoes were so heavy from the mud and water I had trouble lifting them. I had to start walking on hills.  Sure, lots of people do this, however I train with tough hills. I pride myself on being able to run hills.  So for me to realize I needed to walk them, that was hard. 

still early on

I’m not sure if this was a good thing or not but my feet were numb and I was so cold I didn’t feel the pain in my feet and I was able to finish the race. I paid for it after the race and most of this week, but at least I was able to finish the race.  Not the smartest thing, but what are you going to do?

I am somewhat disappointed with this race but at the same time I’m not.  Makes sense right?  I’m disappointed I had to walk up hills towards the end. I’m disappointed I walked A LOT and not just on hills during the last mile.  I’m disappointed that people who shouldn’t have beat me, because I had a good lead on them, ended up either catching me or getting close.   However I also feel good about this race and happy about it because I know all of this was due to the injury and not being completely over the stomach bug yet.  Not to mention the race conditions of the course itself.   So for me to pull off what I did, I think I did pretty darn good.  Plus, I had a heck of a fun time doing it.

towards the end

I walked away with a finisher’s medal and a plaque.  That’s right! I placed in my age group!    I was 100 out of 336 finishers.  I placed 8th female. I was either 2nd or 3rd in my age group. I have a plaque for third, given to me at the race, however I received an email saying I was 2nd and online it shows I was 2nd in one place but 3rd in another. Go figure.  I have emailed the company to inquire about it and to see if I need to exchange plaques.  I know the female winner was in my age group, so maybe that has something to do with it.  Not sure.

not me, obviously, but shows how high the creeks got

Here is more detail about my run, including mile splits etc.

Another Half - but also a first

This coming Sunday I will run/race my first trail half marathon.  Quivering Quads Half Marathon.

 I'm nervous, I'm excited, I'm hopeful.  I have done further distance on a trail and on road. So I should be comfortable with the distance.   I've never ran at this park before though, so I have no idea what to expect.

I was also blessed with the stomach bug earlier in the week.  This is not good news for a runner. ha!  I'm still not 100% recovered but getting there.  This did mean that I had no problems with this being a taper week, as I've only worked out twice (Sunday and Tuesday).

I am also dealing with injury on both my feet.  I had hurt them a month or so ago. I took it easy, they cleared up and were fine.  However running my last race, Castlewood Cup, caused major issues.  I've been taking it easy for a couple weeks due to that as well.

Hopefully taking all this time off will mean my body is rested and ready to go on Sunday. I am worried how my feet will do. I am worried how my body will react.  However I plan to give it all I can and if I need to pull out of the race, I will.

Since I have not ran at this park before I have no idea what the trails are like or how hard the hills/course is.  I've looked at the elevation and the hills don't seem to be as bad as what I am used to.

Here is the elevation for Quivering Quads:

Here is the elevation for the Castlewood Cup course I did 2 weeks ago:

As you can see the hills aren't nearly as bad.  That doesn't mean I'm not worried. I could go all and come to a hill and it could be worse than I anticipate. I train with hills, but most are steep and not tooo terrible long.  The hills for QQ seem to be not as steep but longer, which could be worse.

So..we'll see.  Fingers crossed I do ok and don't have to pull out of this race.

Celtic Traverse

I have found the newest race to add to my bucket list.  The Celtric Traverse.  How could I see this and NOT be interested?  I’ve been to Ireland and it’s beautiful.  I can’t imagine how wonderful it would be to run across Ireland.  Looking at the beauty of the country.  Who wants to sponsor me to do this one? Don’t all raise your hands at once.

Taper time

I have no race recap for you this week and I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  I'm sure Husband would say that's a good thing.

I am still in training, I have a 30k (18.6) mile race coming up on the 10th.  This has made training rather difficult.  Well, not that I have a 30k coming up but that I'm coming off of 3 races.  The 30k will be the longest distance I have ever ran before, not just for a race but period.  The longest distance race I have done is a half marathon, 13.1 miles.  The longest distance I ran was in training and I did 17 super slow miles.   I'm pretty certain I can run 18.6 miles, but not sure how well I can race that distance. I should also mention this is a trail race and not a road race.   This course is a 10k loop, the loop consists of 1 set of stairs, 200 stairs in all and at least one major hill, named cardiac hill.  I'm doing the loop  3 times.  Yes, that means 600 stairs.

Why do I mention this?  Well, since I recently did 3 races three weeks in a row. I've been in taper and recovery mode for a month now.  It makes training for something like this very difficult.   I have to take it easy because my legs need to recover from the races.  Yet I need to train on stairs and hills and with distance to make sure I can do the race coming up.I've also battled two colds in this time frame, which means I've taken more rest days per week than is normal. 

I've never done this before. I've never done hard races back-to-back like this. It makes me mentally unprepared for my race. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm kinda flying by the seat of my pants at this point. I'm doing what I think I need to do to recover from the last several weeks yet keep my body in good condition for whats to come.

It doesn't help that my legs feel like crap on almost every run that I do.  I also haven't done any cross-training because of having to take it easy and taking more rest days but making sure the runs are still happening.  Although, to be honest, today and tomorrow are swimming and biking days this week. 

So that's kinda where I am.  Trying to just survive and figure out how to taper and recover and train for my races all at the same time.

Tough Mudder

Care to know what I'm doing today?  

TOUGH MUDDER!!!!!

Tough mudder is an 11 mile obstacle course. It's pretty brutal, or so it seems.

This is just one of the obstacles:

Mo' Cowbell Half Marathon 2012 race report



The day before the race, picking up race packet. R is very
impressed with the cow mascot

 This past Sunday I raced in the Mo' Cowbell Half Marathon.  It was the second year for the race and my second year running it.  It was my third half marathon.

 I finished with a time of 1:48:11. 

That breaks down to an average pace of 8:18 min/mile.  That is 10 minutes FASTER than I ran this same race last year.  It's 30 minutes FASTER than I ran my first half marathon April of last year (2011).

I cannot tell you how incredibly happy I am with this race.  I not only gave birth to R five months before the race, I also had major health issues, which I went into in my pre-race blog post.  I have also never run that fast for any amount of distance. So to pull it off in a half marathon and feel amazing the entire time, it's just awesome.



The morning of the race, giving my
bib some good luck crinkles

 Several weeks ago a friend who works for a local running store and was pacing a training group contacted me and asked me if I would like to contact a girl who was running the half.  She felt our pace was going to be close and wondered if I would help pace the girl.  Sure!  So I contacted this other girl and her goal pace was 8:30.  At that time I was thinking 8:40.  But I said heck..if I'm running with somebody I might be able to pull it off.

Leading up to race day I had a couple of good long runs and felt confident I could pull off an 8:30 pace.  The course for this race is mostly flat and I train with some hills.  The problem is that the bigger hills are all at the end.   So I talked to the girl I would be running with and me made plans to run 8:30 for 5-6 miles, evaluate how we felt and increase pace to 8:20. 

Race day arrived and I'm feeling good.  I meet up with my running partner for the very first time and we head to the starting line.  We go out pretty fast, but we are both feeling good.  We are even chatting a bit.  Which probably pissed some people off because who can chat when racing?  I held us back, keeping us between an 8:20 and an 8:33 pace.  We felt good but I didn't want us to hit the wall and I knew we planned to kick it in at the end. 



Getting some good luck lovin' before the race

 There were several kids along the route who had their hands out for high-fives and I was feeling so good, I made sure to give them high-fives and say hi.  Smiling all the way.



This is the elevation, per my garmin, of the course.
So you can see where the hills are

 We finish mile 5 and start 6, both feeling good.  We each took a gel and increased pace a tad.  We got to the water station and I took a drink of water and then we kicked it in a bit more.  We know the hills are coming and we wanted to make up some time because we know we'll be slower when they arrive.

Hills come and we keep a pretty good pace, slower but we were able to manage it and we passed people the whole time.   We see a sign for mile 11 and look at each other and go..where did mile 10 go? 

We hit mile 12 and pretty much said..let's do this thing!  And increased paced a bit more. Mile 13 arrives and we both decide it's only one more mile, we've GOT this.  So we kept pace and tried to increase a bit.  We come down off the last down hill.  We knew it was flat to the finish.  We rounded a turn and can see the finish and I said something like "There it is..let's do this"  and we both kicked it in.  We gave it our all, sprinting as best as we could.  Which probably did not look like sprinting but after running 13 miles it's the best we could do.



Mile splits per my garmin

 We cross the finish line pretty much still together.  I then go a couple yards and made a mad dash to the side to puke.  It happens.  Well, it happens to me, rather often.  Unfortunately I was surrounded by other runners and spectators.  Ooops.  I finished and stood up and said "Sorry you all had to see that!"  Props to my new running buddy as she saw it happen and went and got water and brought it to me.  Nothing like introducing this to a person the first time you meet them.

I feel that maybe I was too conservative in the beginning because we did both feel sooo good the whole time.  However I also had the familiar "I think I'm going to puke" feeling at the end and I've realized that's a sign I've pushed my body.  I also felt my legs almost give out several times in the last two miles. So I think I did race this one very smart.  I also think that if we did go faster in the beginning, I might not have been able to keep up the pace or negative split the race. We did go faster than we originally planned but we were able to race it with negative splits like we wanted.  We not only beat our time goal, we CRUSHED it.   We did the last two miles under an 8 min pace!  That feels soo damn good.  Yes, we had downhills, but we also had uphills.  We both just gave it our all it and it payed off. 



At the finish line, after the puking, sharing my joy with R

 This is, by far, my best race. I raced it the smartest, I ran the fastest, I had a major PR.  On the drive home, Husband and I were talking about the race and he says "Do you think you could do an 8:05 pace next year?".  Here's what I love about that.  First, I didn't mention wanting to do more half marathons. Yes, I love to race so I would want to do more. But I didn't bring it up.  He just figured I would be doing it again next year and is on board with it already.  Second, look at that confidence.  He is not a runner. He doesn't totally understand how hard it is to get faster with the sport.  He does see how many hours I put in to it though.  He totally thinks I can pull off another major PR next year.    And you know what, maybe I can.  I never thought I could run a half this fast. I don't even run shorter distances this fast.  Now I know my body can though.   So Mo Cowbell half marathon, if you fit into my racing schedule next year, we're on. I'm going to smoke it.




My running buddy!  I couldn't have done it without her




I couldn't help sharing one last phot.  Giving R some love after
the race.  



Half Marathon time is here

It's officially here folks.  It's time for my fall half marathon.   It seems weird to say that, that it's time for MY fall half marathon. I say it like it's normal. Like this is how it's been forever. It's crazy to think this is only my second year of doing half marathon's.  Only my third half marathon. 

Training for this half marathon was interesting.   I signed up for the race in April, during my 9th pregnancy month. I knew I wanted to do it and I knew that if I signed up for it I would be determined to train during zombie mode.  I ran this half marathon last year while I was pregnant so I had high hopes of making a very strong come back.

As you've noticed from reading my past posts, I've hard a hard time of things mentally in terms of my running.  So I knew training for this one was going to be super hard. It's very hard for me to do big races like this, I have a lot of self doubt.  Training for the fall half last year was easier for me because I had a training partner. This year I was solo.

Training started out pretty good. I knew I would have to work on getting mileage back up and my body back in shape. I also knew I wanted to PR (get a personal record) for this race so I needed to work on speed.    Things started out well and then all hell broke loose.  I started to have major health issues.

I would get a mile or two into a run and throw up.  If I didn't throw up, I felt like it and would stop but would soon throw up anyway.     I was having a hard time eating.  I would be shaky and eat but then an hour later I would be hungry again. It got so bad that by the afternoon I was soo tired of eating and food was so unappetizing, because I was eating so much, that I didn't want to eat.  I would start to eat and want to throw up.  I was having a lot of other health issues as well.

I went to the Dr. and was told to cut way back on my running. I was doing way too many workouts and my body couldn't handle it along with the breast feeding.  I tried to tell my Dr. that what I was doing was normal for a runner in training however she didn't believe me.  She felt I was putting too much stress on my body. I convinced her to have my thyroid levels checked as I've had thyroid issues for awhile.

I did cut way back on workouts however I'm happy to report it was my thyroid. I had almost every single symptom of the thyroid issues I have. 

For at least a month I could barely run, wasn't doing any distance.  So I changed my plan for the half from getting a time PR to just finishing it. Then I started to feel a bit better.  I'm not 100% better but in a better place than I was.  I started to be able to hit distance, I started to run a bit faster. 

So now I'm back on track to hoping the training has paid off and I'll be able to PR this race.  No I couldn't train like I wanted to, but I was able to get in some decent workouts.  I'm nervous. I'm worried.  This race is so much more than just a race for me. I just hope I can finish it and be happy with my performance. 

Stay tuned for a race recap!

Zombie Mode Workouts

I knew when I was pregnant that I wanted to continue working out once R arrived.  I also knew it was going to be incredibly hard to pull that off.  Not only would I have to be home to take care of an infant, I would also be exhausted.  Plus there is that Mom guilt.  Will I really leave my child just to go run?  Am I ok with strangers (gym daycare) watching her just so I can workout. Does it make me a bad Mom?  etc.

My running, my workouts, are very important to me. I have a lot of anger issues. I have a lot of issues with depression. I have a lot of issues period.  Running and working out does help me with these issues. I know that if I had to give it up, it would be worse for me than dealing with the guilt of continuing to do this even though it means not always being their for my daughter.

Husband and I came up with a plan on how I could get in my workouts with minimal disruption to the new life.  This means that I am often up at 4am in order to run.  This means that if I do go to the gym after work, I pick R up from daycare and put her in the gym daycare.  This means that Husband is on baby duty for several hours every Saturday while I do a long run.  This means that I take her to the gym daycare for 2 hours most Sunday's.  This means that I often get in strength training after she goes to bed at night.



This is what happens when you can't
see where you are going at 4:30am



4am

4am comes very quickly.  I admit that I don't sleep the best. I can have nights where I only get a couple hours of sleep. It's not due to R, it's insomnia and recent health issues.  I have other nights where I want to go to bed at 7 and sleep all night. I have mornings where getting up at 4am is the last thing I want to do.  There are other mornings where I naturally wake up around 4am and am ready to go.  Either way, actually getting up to run at 4am is incredibly hard. It would be nice to lay in bed for another 1.5 hours.

Running at 4am comes with it's own issues. I recently fell because I tripped on an uneven sidewalk.  Falling and skidding on concrete sucks.  The bruise on my thigh and the scratches on my shoulder and leg are horrible.  However I continue to get up and do it.   It's also very dark when I run.  I live in a relatively safe area that I'm comfortable being out there, but it's still a bit scary.  You don't see too many people out and about at that time. 

I continue to get up and run at 4am though because that means I have more family time after work.  That's important to Husband and I. In order for me to continue to do what I love I have to find a balance between that and family.  This is my balance. It's hard. It's exhausting. I walk around in a daze a lot.  I'm not saying this will work for everyone, but it works for us. 

Some people have questioned the fact that I take R to the gym daycare.  Don't I worry about her? Can't Husband watch her?   I feel guilt because there is usually one day a week that I pick her up from daycare, where she's been since 6:30am and immediately take her to the gym where strangers are yet again watching her.  Yet I know that deep down it's ok. 

The gym daycare is awesome. I don't mind dropping her off.  The set-up is very safe and the people there are wonderful.  Whenever I pick her up somebody is holding her. Sometimes they don't want to give her up and try to convince me to work out longer (I can use the daycare a max of 2 hrs per day).   Sometimes when I drop her off I'll ask if they want me to put her in a swing or if they want her.  Usually the person is excited and wants to hold her. I have shown up at the daycare to pick her up and the person working the desk is holding her and when I comment on how content she seems, they have told me how much they love this baby.  This is before they scan my card and realize she is my child.  I've taken her often enough and normally at the same times that it's usually the same people watching her. So I feel even more comfortable now because they recognize me and are comfortable with me.



Soooo not a good photo of me, but this happens at least
once every weekend..my only chance to get a nap is to get
R to sleep with me.  And I need my naps. ha

 I feel that working out is worth the trouble and zombie like mode I experience most days.  I feel it will make me a better person and a better Mom most days.  I am proof that you can do it with an infant in the home. I've been working out regularly pretty much since we brought R home from the hospital.    If you want to work out with kids in the house, you can.  You just have to find something that works for you and your family.

Faster is not Better

I have this problem, you see.  I think that if somebody runs faster it means they are a better runner than I am.  Now, yes, because with running you only win if you are faster, it would be true that a better runner is a faster runner.   However I think perhaps there is more to it.  

Yes, for elites, faster means better.   For those of us who are recreational runners, who do this for fun and for the love of it, than I'm going to say that No, faster does not mean better.  It's hard for me to say that. It's taken a lot of soul searching for me to be at peace with that.

I run with a lot of people who are faster than I am.  Ok, let's be honest, I am the slowest one.  This used to not bother me. I knew that if I could keep up it would make me faster and better.  However then when I was pregnant and had to run slower because of my heart rate I was told that I was too slow and therefore not good enough to run with.  I've mentioned this before.  It really messed me up in terms of how I view myself as a runner.  I felt that I wasn't good, that they were all better than I was.

For those of us who are not elite athletes I think there are other qualities that make some runners better than others.  Yes, I'll still say that pace can play a factor. I'll see somebody running super fast and still think they are a heck of a runner.  However I think somebody can be faster than me but not be a better runner.

I think there are other qualities that make some runners better than others.  Determination. Dedication.  Strength. Friendliness.  Just to name a few.

How do I compare to others?  You know, some that I would consider better than me earlier this year I know consider myself better than.  I have the dedication.  Yes, life gets in the way and I can't always get in a workout, but I make it work. If I can't get in a run than a lot of times I'll do some form of strength training at night after the baby is in bed.  Depending on what I've been doing I might embrace the unplanned rest day.  I have strength. I am very strong.  I do cross-training, I lift weights, I bike (stationary right now), and I run.  I try to make sure I'm strong all-around and not just my running muscles.   I am determined.  I will get upset about things but I don't let it hold me back. I try to constantly improve.  I'm understanding and supportive.  I have no problems slowing my pace and running with others who aren't as fast as me. I would much rather support them and run with them than to be selfish and leave them behind.  I think these other qualities make me a better runner than some of the faster runners in this world.

In a recent conversation about this, where I was still thinking faster is better, Husband made some very good points.  He said that yes, others are faster than me.  However, he feels I'm a better runner because I just ran for 9 months while pregnant. I never stopped.  How many people do that?  I also got right back out there after I had R and started running again even though I had a lot of pain.  I signed up for 2 big races while in my 9th month, races that I knew I would have to train for while trying to deal with an infant and a post-baby body.  He said that most people don't do this.  Those people that I think are better?  They didn't do that. 

He's right.  Not just about me. I know several ladies online who are running/working out through pregnancy.  Who are running/working out post-baby.  They are all better runners than a lot of fast runners.  Because they have soo many other obstacles. They have so much more to deal with, yet they are out there.  I just need to remember that I'm one of them.  When I sit there talking about how awesome these ladies are and how great of runners they are, I need to remember that I'm one of them.

I'm never going to be an elite.  I will however strive to be the best runner I can be.  If that means being slower than others I know, that's ok.  I now know that deep down, they aren't better than me. They are just faster than me.  And that's ok.

Strength. Have it. Live it.

Strength.  Being Strong. Being awesome. Being a badass. Strength.

This is what I strive for.  This is what I want.  I'm not sure where this desire came from. I don't think I always had the desire.  Yet I know for the last couple of years it's been there.  Lately, however, it's even more important to me.  Why?  Because I have a daughter. 

No, I'm not going to give a speech about how I've changed now that I'm a Mom.   But I will admit that since my daughter has been born, as I struggle with my depression and my issues, the thing that drives me is that I HAVE to be strong for her.  I HAVE to get past my issues and be a good role model for her.  I HAVE to show her that woman are powerful and sexy and strong and totally badass. Why?  Because I want her to be strong. I want her to know that she can take on the world and she can kick ass. I want her to wake up in the morning and say "Today is not your day bitch.  It's mine."  If she decides she wants to take on something, be it a marathon or an ironman (or I guess she can pick her own sport), I want her to know she can do it.

How is R going to learn how to be strong if I'm not?  How will she know it's possible to set a goal and reach it.  Maybe she won't reach her goal the first time. I want her to know that it's ok.  Then I want her to try again. 

I recently had a discussion with Husband about how I needed to figure out how to be strong for her.  I want R to have a strong female role model so bad that I have to find a way to be strong myself.  He looked at me and said that I didn't need to find a way to be strong. I was already there.  He reminded me that I did a half marathon pregnant.  I did my first ever triathlon pregnant. I then did two more.  He said that she'll know that and she'll know that I am strong.   He then said that what's important is that my daughter will love me and look up to me for who I am, for the runner that I already am, not the runner that I feel I should be. 

He's right.

I don't always see it. I don't see how what I've already done was proving my strength. I don't see how what I continue to do is showing strength. It's not good enough.  I feel it's not good enough. I feel I owe her more.   I need to find a way to be ok with where I am and who I am. 

Strength

It's there. I have it. I just have to remember that. I have to see it and recognize it in myself.  Not many people will run 5 miles the day before having contractions.  Not many people would be back out there running 1.5 weeks after having a baby.  Sure, running is not the only thing to show strength. But it's what I DO. It's who I AM.  It's how I show that I'm strong enough to overcome my past. I'm strong enough to overcome the blockades in my life. 

One day R will be old enough to see what I'm doing.  I want her to know that what I'm doing is for me. It's for her.  One day when she asks why I run I want to be able to tell her why and explain the obstacles I had to fight to get here.  One day when she's at school and her friends or teacher ask her what she did over the weekend I want her to say "Watched my Mom compete in a (fill in the blank). She's a badass."    Because if she can see that in me, then I've done my job.  Because then she'll know that she can do it.  She can do what she wants. She can do whatever she sets her heart on.  No matter what it is.  No matter what is shoved in her way.  She is female. She is strong. She is smart. She is sexy. She is a badass.  At least..she will be.  Right now she's just super cute.

Chasing that "Gotcha" moment

From my previous post regarding running you know that I felt I had to prove myself to others.  In a recent conversation with somebody where I was trying to explain to them what is going on in my head and why I'm so messed up in terms of my running I was told that I have to stop chasing that "gotcha" moment.  Because I'm never going to get it.  If I continue to chase it I will never be happy with who I am or where I am at in regards to my running. My life.

I'm.never.going.to.get.it.

Harsh.  But true.  When I was told that it stopped me. I was like a deer in headlights.  Then I said "You're right.". 

I will NEVER be faster than the people I've run with who are already faster than me.  I will never be at their level.  I can try, there is nothing wrong with pushing myself in trying.  However they are doing the same thing.   Instead of trying to be faster than they are to prove that I'm a good runner, I need to focus on getting faster than I was.  I need to race against myself, not them.  I'm the only one that matters.  If I decide that I don't want to be faster and I'm comfortable where I am, that's fine too.  It doesn't mean I'm a bad runner.

If I have the same goals as others, in regards to distance or even what type of event I'm doing. I should not be upset if they get to do it first.  Life throws us curve balls.  My life is different than theirs.  I can't compare my life to theirs and expect to be able to cross something off of my bucket list before they can cross the same item off of theirs.  Life shouldn't be a competition.

I have to learn to step back and not compare myself to others.  We are all at different levels and different places in life.  I need to learn that I need to move at my own pace. I need to do what I'm capable of right now, while I juggle an infant and life as a new Mom (that still sounds scary).

If I continue to compare myself to others and get upset when they reach a milestone that I wanted to reach, I'll never be happy. 

I have to learn to be happy with where I'm at.  This is true in regards to my fitness. This is true in regards to my life. 

I'm a very competitive person.  Sometimes this is a good thing but lately it's been a bad thing.  I forget that I just went through 9 months of pregnancy. I forget that I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  I forget that my life completely changed.  I forget that I have to adjust my priorities because they aren't the same anymore.  That's a good thing.  That's a scary thing.

I see people doing things that I want to do and that I know I'm capable of doing.  I have to tell myself that it's OK that I haven't done it yet. It's ok that it's still on my bucket list.  I will get to cross it off one day. But I have to do it in my own time. I have to do it when it fits into my life. Unfortunately that's not always going to be when I want it to be.  I can't get upset about this. I have to learn to roll with it.

It's good to have goals. It's good to be competitive.  However it's not good to be chasing that "gotcha" moment.  I need to learn to do things for me. Not because I want others to think I'm worthy and I'm good enough.  Plus, when it comes down to it. What does it matter if others get to do things on my bucket list before I do?  What matters is that I get to do the things on MY bucket list.

Tough love. 

This is a tough lesson.  I know this will be a struggle for me.  With time I hope I can find my happy place.

I almost gave up running

I don't think it will come as a surprise when I say I love to run.  It brings me joy. It's an outlet for my emotions. It's a way for me to feel strong. 

I almost gave up running this summer.

Now that might come as a surprise.  I never thought I would utter those words. I never thought I would have those thoughts. However I spent several weeks wondering if I should continue with the sport or call it quits. Quit running. Quit triathlons.  Quit.

You might say that I was still suffering from post-pardum.  I would agree, yes, I am still adjusting. However there was more to it than that.  You might even say that I was just down on myself because of some health issues. Yes, those pissed me off but I knew they were temporary.

I almost gave up running because I felt I wasn't good enough

There. I said.  I felt like I wasn't good enough to continue with the sport.  Good enough for what?  Good enough for who? 

I spent a good part of last year training for my second half marathon. I did speed work. I started running with other people who were better than me. I saw myself improving. I got into running more. I found people who also loved it. People I could talk to, I could run with, I could share my highs and my lows. People who would encourage me and give me the support I so desperately needed.  I felt like I had finally found a place where I belonged. I found a community that I was welcomed to.

I lost all of that. ALL of that.  Yes, I was pregnant. Yes I continued to run.  Yes I had to watch my heart rate and I had to play it safe.  I was ok playing it safe and running slower. What I didn't expect was to lose the friendships I had cultivated.  I didn't expect to be told people wouldn't run with me because I was slow. I didn't expect to lose the support and encouragement that I needed to continue running through the pregnancy pain.

I felt that I lost all of that because I wasn't good enough to run with them.  I was too slow. I'm a horrible runner. I suck at the sport. My personality wasn't enough for them to want to slow down to spend time with me.  The person I was outside of running wasn't good enough for them to be my friend when I couldn't run with them anymore.

I've watched people get faster. I've watched them get better. I've watched them hit highs. I've watched from afar.  Because I'm not good enough for them to want to share this with me.

I spent a lot of time chasing this.  Trying to get back into shape right away.  Convincing myself if I could just prove that I was worth their time, they would want to spend time with me again and run with me and talk to me.

I hit several highs while I was pregnant. I wasn't supported by those I considered friends. I felt this was because they felt that even though it was a high for me, I still wasn't good enough for them.

I almost gave up running because I lost the joy of it. I was no longer doing it for myself. I was doing it so maybe others would like me and feel I was worthy. 

It has been hard for me to watch others running with each other. To watch others do races they've never done before. To watch others bond through this sport. To watch others train for things.  To watch them do all this while talking to one another and not me. Not sharing in the adventure with me.  Because I wasn't at the same level. Because I wasn't good enough.

Deep down I know that in most cases this wasn't true. It wasn't that I wasn't good enough, it's that we weren't training for the same thing.  It's that they did need to work on pace and therefore had to run faster. I also  think that they didn't realize how important the social runs were for me.  How were they to know that most of my friends live in other states.  They didn't know that social runs were how I hung out with people, something I crave.  Deep down I tell myself this.  Unfortunately because of my past I have a hard time believing this. I still feel like I'm not good enough. 

I almost gave up running because I lost the real reason I run.  For ME.  It's not about how fast I am compared to others. It's not about how soon I'll be able to do an outdoor triathlon.  It's not about whether or not I'm good enough. It's about how I feel when I'm out there running. It's about how I feel when I set a goal and I smash it.

I didn't give up because I can't quite. Running is part of who I am.  Is it still hard to see others get together and run without asking me?  Yes. It's gut wrenching.  Do I understand that it's not because they feel I suck as a runner? Sometimes.  I'm working on it.  Is it still hard to see people I considered friends hit highs and train for new adventures and not include me in the process? It's excruciating. Do I understand that I need to let this go? I do.  It's going to take time though.   In the meantime, I'll continue working on my goals. I'll continue working on my highs.  Is it sad when I hit a high and realize the people I would have shared it with no longer care?  It's devastating.  Do I realize I need to let it go and focus on the fact that I need to do this for myself and not their approval?  Some days.

I've felt so alone most of my life. I felt I had finally found a place I belong.  I felt I was finally making friends with similar goals and hobbies. Then the walls came crashing down on me.  I've been trying to pick myself up, but it's taking time. More time than I would like.  But I have hope that I'll get there.

I forgot

Not too long ago Husband and I were driving home from a date night.  We had a good evening, it was great to spend time with him without the baby.  We talked, we laughed, we bonded again as a couple.  As we got closer to home we also got closer to a local park where I have a planned trail race in November.   Husband looked over and noticed I had tears streaming down my cheeks.  

I had not signed up for the race yet because registration hadn't opened.  However I had been in contact with some local runners who are also planning to run this same race.  The race has three distances: 10k, 20k, and 30k.  The race consists of a 10k course that you just repeat as many times as needed to do your distance. I wanted to do this race last year but couldn't because I was pregnant (I was still running but not trail running as it's too dangerious because I fall a lot).  I had planned the 30k last year.  A couple of the runners I knew did the 20k and had mentioned that they had no desire to do the 30k.   

So this year when the email about the upcoming race came out I said I was in for the 30k, so run the loop 3 times.  They both decided they would do the 30k as well.  Immediatly upon finding out the only thought I had was "Shit! They are so much better and so much faster than me, they are going to lap me. I'll feel like a loser. I am such a loser."

This happened a couple days before this date night with Husband.  As we got close to the park this thought popped into my head, about them laping me and me being a loser. This caused me to become super negative about myself and myself as a runner, which caused the tears.

I explained this to Husband and he said "Why can't you just run the race for fun, who cares if they run faster, aren't you doing it for fun anyway?".  I processed this and replied: "I forgot how to enjoy running."

I forgot how to enjoy running.  Running.  Something I am dearly passionate about. It was no longer fun for me. It was no longer something I did for enjoyment.  I was struggling through health issues and struggling through post-baby body to become a stronger runner than I was pre-pregnancy.  For what? Not for fun. I felt I had to PROVE I was good enough.  But prove to who?  The person I felt I needed to prove myself to doesn't care.  In fact, the only person I need to prove myself to is ME.  I might not be happy with where I am but I also know I'm doing as best I can right now and that should be good enough.  So why isn't it?

Pregnancy and working out

Running at the gym in March, final leg
of an indoor sprint triathlon

I've done posts before mentioning how I was working out while I was pregnant.  I was very happy that I was able to work out the entire time.  In fact, I ran 5 miles the day before I started having contractions.  I suppose that's about as close as somebody can get.

I took the time not too long ago to actually figure out how many miles I did while I was pregnant.

My total mileage: 1,172.61
Running: 564.92
Swimming: 29.49
Biking: 566.15
Walking: 12.05 (this was when I set out to run but had to walk instead)


I am so happy with how well I did.  My goal had been to work out till February.  February came and went and I was still movig well.  The further along in the pregnancy I got the worse I felt, major pains.  However the baby was safe so I handled it. 

Running Breakthrough

It feels good when you finally realize that a dream of yours is within reach.  It might take some planning, it might take some training, but to have that realization that yes you can do X, that's an incredible feeling.

I had such a breakthrough not too long ago.  I've been kicking around the idea of training for a full marathon for awhile.  It took me forever to convince myself I was capable of running a half marathon. Once I proved I could train and run one, I started thinking about a full marathon.  However 26.2 miles is a long way to run. I have way too much self-doubt about my abilities and my mental strength to fully commit.   It was something that I kept thinking about but wasn't ready to do.  Then when I found out I was pregnant I knew I wouldn't be able to train for a Spring marathon like I was thinking about.  I was ok with that.

Something crazy happened though.  While I'm still able to workout I'm having to pay close attention to my heart rate.  This means I'm running at a much slower speed than normal.  This also means that I've been able to keep up my distance and increase it for my weekly long runs.  I'm not putting as much effort into the runs, because I can't, so my legs aren't as tired and my body isn't fatigued and I can go further.   Up until recently the longest distance I have ever run consecutivly was 13.1 miles, a half marathon. 

A couple of weekends ago I decided that my goal was to run 12-16 miles for my long run.  12 was doable as that's what I've been doing.  16 was a pipe dream.  I came up with 16 because the route I run at a local park is roughly 4 miles, although I've been adding extra routes in to make it a tad longer.  So 12 mile would mean 3 loops, 16 miles would be 4 loops.  Hmm.   I met up with a couple of othe women for the first time.  The one runs slower so she offered to run with me most weekends since I've been lonly and missing my normal running group (I can't keep up with them right now).  She then found another girl who wanted to run with a group.   So we started out and they were super cool and stayed at the pace I needed to go.  We did 9 miles together because that's what their goal was for that day.  I was feeling good.  My legs were incredibly sore from the workout I had done the day before, but I felt good.  I ate part of a banana and headed out for another loop around the park.  I got close to my car and was at 14 miles.  I felt good.  I ran further and then decided to only push it to 15.  I do believe at that point my thought process was "You crazy f***, you're pregnant, what are you doing running 16 miles." 

When I hit 15 miles I stopped and walked  back to my car.  My legs were on fire, they were so sore from the previous days workout.  The rest of my body felt great.  My mental state was awesome. I've been dealing with a lot lately and have no way to relieve stress.  This run did it. Not only did I finally feel like I got in a good workout, I did 15 miles.  15!  Who would have ever though I could run for 15 miles?!  Nobody!

I was estatic. I was pumped. I got back to the car and looked at my phone and saw it was almost 11:30. I had been running for almost 3 hours.  I panicked. I called the husband thinking he was probably freaked out and when he answered I said "I'm alive".   When I said that I realized just how alive I felt. I felt on top of the world.  I was estatic.  I wanted to yell, I wanted to scream. I wanted to tell somebody but had nobody who would really care so I just had my own little happy party and patted myself on the back.  I just freaking ran for 15 miles and I felt great. I felt like I could have kept going.   I realized, for the very first time, that I could run for 26.2 miles. I could run a full marathon.  Sure, I might not be able to do it at the pace that I want to, but the first one is just about finishing isn't it?  Once I can finish a marathon I can work on pace for another one right?

This feeling, this feeling of realizing that you can accomplish something that you thought about doing but didn't really think you could achieve, that's the most amazing feeling in the world. 

I do realize that running 15 miles is probably not the best thing to do while pregnant, even though my body is fit and I've been keeping up with my workouts.  So I won't do it again.   I also realize that once Baby Girl arrives my priorities will change.  I realize that I'm not going to have 3+ hours to devote to running on the weekend.  I realize that training for a marathon takes a huge time commitment and I'm not going to be able to do that for awhile.  But that's ok.  I'm ok if I have to wait 2 or 3 or 4 years before I can train for a marathon.  Because I know I'll remember this run and I'll know how it felt to realize I could do it.

Altra running shoes - review

I recently did a review of the Eve shoe by Altra for a friend's blog, RunBreak.  Be sure to check it out if you are interested in running shoes. Actually, I don't run in them, I wear them to the gym and out and about and they are super comfy. So check them out even if you aren't in the market for new running shoes.

It's also exciting that Altra recently had two of their shoes awarded the Best Debut award by runners world. You can read more about that on Altra's blog.

Why didn’t I buy them sooner?

I’ve been interested in arm warmers for awhile, but just never took the plunge to actually purchase a pair.  Luckily for me I was given a pair for my birthday and recently had a chance to wear them for the first time.



Shoot..if Kara Goucher can wear them, so
can I. It doesn't matter that she's
superwoman and I'm just your average
run of the mill runner.

 If you aren’t a runner, and maybe even if you are, you might be asking yourself “Why would you/I want arm warmers?  Couldn’t you/I just wear long sleeves?”  The answer is yes….and no.    Sure when it gets cold enough everyone has to switch to long sleeves when running outside.  However sometimes it’s a toss-up.  Will I be too warm in long sleeves? But will I freeze in short sleeves?  What if I’m doing a long run and I’m going to be out there for an hour or longer and the temps start out in the low 50’s but reach close to 60 before I’m expected to be done?   As you can see, once you start running outside there’s a lot of thought put into what to wear (at least for me there is).

Arm warmers are great because if the temperature is a bit cool but you feel you might be too warm in long sleeves, just put on a short sleeve shirt or a tank top and slap on the arm warmers.  The arm warmers cover the majority of your arm.  They are light-weight, moisture-wicking, and warm.   If the temperature warms up and/or you are running in direct sunlight and feel a bit warm, just roll them down.  Easy!   If you wore long sleeves and got warm it’s a pain to have to roll the sleeves up and get them to stay up.  If you are even able to roll them up. I have some long sleeved tech shirts that are form fighting and I can’t roll those suckers up.   Plus, if you do roll up your sleeves you risk stretching them out. Nobody wants that.

So yes, after one use of my arm warmers I’m a convert.  I love them!  I work them with short sleeves and it was perfect.  Running in direct sunlight I could tell I was getting a bit warm but not overly so.  However soon I was back in the woods and surrounded my trees and the temperature dropped and I was comfortable again.

I personally have a pair of Nike Dri-Fit arm warmers, at $20 they aren’t that expensive.  I must also say that I was worried they wouldn’t stay up.  I have very skinny arms.  Yes, I do strength train and while my upper arm muscles are somewhat impressive (for me) they are still a bit pathetic and small.  I’m happy to report that I had no problems with the arm warmers staying up for the entire run, which was almost 9 miles and took about 1 hr and 23 min. I would say that’s a pretty good test if they work or not.   Oh..and for me.  These were perfect for when the temperate was in the low 50’s.  I wore capri’s, the arm warmers, and a short sleeved shirt and was comfortable (once I started running and until I stopped..at which point I froze).

Almost as exciting as my half

I ran my second half marathon on October 2nd, almost 3 weeks ago.  It was a fantastic experience and one I don’t think I’ll forget any time soon. I went in hoping to redeem myself and do a heck of a lot better than I did with my first half, which was this past April.   I’m happy to report that not only did I NOT have to walk, I hit my time goal and shaved off 20 minutes from the first half.   Shaving off 20 min in 6 months is awesome.

Within the last 6 months running has become very social for me.  I love that!  I joined a website called DailyMile.  It’s basically a site where you post your workouts and talk about them and become friends with other runners and cyclists.  I joined and didn’t know anybody and little by little had people friend me and I would friend others.  I ended up meeting up with a guy I met on there for a group run one Sunday.  Then while I didn’t always run with them on Sunday’s, I would head to another park to run solo trail runs, I soon realized that I liked running with others.  So little by little I started running with that group more often and it soon became a weekly event.

I then met another girl on there who lives in  my area and we started to run together on Wednesday’s after work.  I looked forward to those runs as, while she runs at a slower pace, this never bothered me because I used the runs as recovery and it was good to take it easier and not worry about my time.

So what I’m getting at with this, is that I’ve become a social runner.  While my half was almost 3 weeks ago, those I’ve been running with and others that I’ve been talking with online are all getting ready to do their half marathon or full marathon this weekend.   They signed up for the Rock N Roll – St. Louis race that’s on the 23rd.  While I won’t be running it, I’m nervous and excited for all of them.  For some it’s their first half marathon.  For others it’s their first marathon.  For other’s it might not be their first but they haven’t run one in awhile and are in much better shape so they’ll be working for a PR (personal record). 

I will be attending the expo tomorrow. It’s basically a 2 day fair where race participants can pick up their race packets but there are also a lot of vendors there giving out free samples or selling products.  I’m in need of a new pair of running shoes and have two picked out.  My hope is that a vendor will have one of them discounted. haha!  I’ll also be meeting up with a handful of runners who will be running on Sunday.   I can’t wait to hear from them after the run and read their race reports.   I’ll be on pins and needles Sunday morning until I hear from some of the runners about how well they did.  For me, being a non-participant is almost as nerve-wrecking as doing the running myself.

Faster than a speeding bullet...

Okay, so I'm NOT faster than a speeding bullet.  But I'm SO fast that I'm blurry in the above picture.  Okay, so while I'm blurry it's not because I'm so fast but because it was taken with Husband's cell phone and therefore not a good camera.  Yes, that's me in the pink top crossing the finish line.

This photo was taken last night at my Tuesday speedwork session.  Yes..I'm taking speedwork sessions for the summer to improve my pace.  As my husband would say: you're weird.   Yesterday's workout was one mile timed.  It's not your goal race pace, it's not your current pace. It's one mile as fast as you can do it.   If you can see it in the picture above, I crossed the line at 7:13.  While I'm sure that's not the fastest I've ever run a mile ( I do believe I completed a 5k race in highschool in 21 something) but it's the fastest I've ever run a mile as an adult.  It felt AWESOME.  Ok, so I felt horrible running because I was really pushing myself, but once I finished I felt awesome.  If I did it again. I'm sure I could do it even faster, now that I've finished I feel like I could have surged sooner at the last lap.

Husband and Myla decided to go with me last night since it was only one mile.  The speedwork sessions are being held at a local highschool and we pulled into the parking area and Husband says "What are all these cars doing here?"  To which I responded, "uh..speedwork session."   He made the comment that he didn't expect so many people.  After a slight pause I said "What? You thought it would be me and 10 other people?" and I laughed because I thought I was making a joke.  He said he thought there would be 20. haha!

After I did my run we watched the two faster groups do their runs. I'm not sure Husband wanted to stay but Myla was having a good time and I wanted to see how fast the other runners could go.  When we got back in the car to head home, Husband got in the car, closed the door and said "You runners are weird."
Well..I have to agree, we are a special group.

Today is National Running Day.  While I didn't get in a run today (spin class this morning) I at least celebrated by getting in this post.  Happy running!