Friday, November 25, 2011

Things NOT to say to somebody dealing with infertility

People deal with infertility in different ways, some people talk about it and don’t really mind telling people.  Other people don’t tell people and prefer to keep it private. I’m of the type that preferred to keep it private.  For me it was easier to deal with people asking me when we were going to try for kids than to get the pity looks and be asked how things were going.  In fact, Husband and I told very few people we were even trying.  I knew before we even started that it would be a long process and I had issues.  The less people who knew the better.

So the following are things that people said to me during the time I was struggling with infertility.  The people who said these things all knew I had fertility issues and was working closely with first my regular OB and then a specialist after a year.

1)Hold this baby, maybe it’ll rub off on you
Yes..because babies have some kind of magic fairy dust that only works on those females who are trying to get pregnant

2) Hurry up and get pregnant
I rather enjoy being depressed that my body doesn’t work correctly and I can’t get pregnant, I’ve been delaying this on purpose. Now that I know you want me to be pregnant though, I’ll get right on that.

3) Try harder
Right, I’m sorry, let me put in 110% effort instead of the 100% effort I’ve been doing.  That’s all it is, I’m just not TRYING hard enough.

4) You workout too much and/or you need to stop running
Working out and running have nothing to do with infertility issues.  I didn’t do anything extreme to cause issues with my body.  Working out is actually a good thing for those wanting to get pregnant. 

5) You need to gain weight
I work out, I eat healthy about 90% of the time. I’ve always been skinny. These people know that.  I’m actually in a lot better shape than the people who told me this.

6) I know what you’re going through
This is the worst one.  Not when it comes from somebody who really does understand, but when it comes from somebody who has no clue. I had somebody who already had one kid (no problems getting pregnant), and it took them roughly 5 months (which is average) to get pregnant with their 2nd kid, tell me that they knew what I was going through and I could talk to them about it if I wanted to.  This is after I had been trying for a year, had gone through an OP surgery, and was on fertility drugs.  No..they have no clue what it’s like to have infertility issues.

I’m sure there’s more, but I can’t think of any right now.  Have you dealt with infertility?  If so were there things people told you that really bothered you and you wished they hadn’t said anything?


  1. I am sorry you are having to deal with this, Kris. I imagine you have gotten a lot of advice like #4 & 5. What to eat, wear, etc. People mean well, I think, but it doesn't make the comments and questions easier.

  2. Literary Feline - Thanks. I know people mean well and don't realize what they are saying, how it would come across to the person having problems. I actually never said anything to these people about it, because I knew it would just upset them because they didn't mean anything by it. Yet, depending on exactly what was said could throw me into a depression for several days. Of course now that I am pregnant I'm constantly being asked about my workouts and being told to take it easy etc. Oh doesn't stop does it? lol My response is always...I'm following dr's orders and have lowered intensity and watch my heart rate. It's fine.

  3. It does seem like almost everyone has an opinion or advice about something related to pregnancy & parenting they just have to share. LOL. Well meaning or not, it can get frustrating. And then add to it circumstances out of your control... I am sorry you had to go through all that with the infertility. Depression in any situation is no fun (understatement of the year).

    About the exercise, you and your doctor know what is best for you and your baby. But you already know that. :-). The doctor says it is okay reason comes in handy often. LOL

  4. Literary Feline - oh how right you are. lol! I'm already getting a ton of "advice". I plan to do things differently than most people I know have and I'm getting a lot of "I used x product and my kid is just fine." Ugh. I already want it to stop..and I know it's just begun. lol

  5. Excellent post. I hope at least some of it will register.