I mentioned that I had a lot of mental issues with breastfeeding. I figured they deserved their own post. I’m hoping that by being completely open about this, others will read it and recognize that they aren’t alone (if they had similar problems) or be able to share with somebody that they think is going through the same thing.
First off, one of my major issues was with being “needed” all the time. I don’t like it. I didn’t like that I couldn’t leave her for fear she would need to nurse and I wouldn’t be around to do it. I didn’t like that every time she was hungry I had to feed her, I didn’t like the constant need need need. I didn’t realize this would be an issue. I knew I wanted to breastfeed. I knew that she would need to eat every 2 hours or so. I thought I mentally prepared myself for this.
I remember a couple of times I would be sitting on the floor with the baby, having her do tummy time. Myla, our dog, would come over and sit right next to me, touching me, wanting attention, and I was in such bad shape I would cower and just shake and cry. I would tell my husband to make her go away. I didn’t want to push my dog away, this was new for her too, but I couldn’t handle being needed by the baby and the dog. I needed space too. Most evenings, when Husband arrived home from work, I would be in my running clothes, ready to get out of the house. I just needed to get away for a bit and I could go for a short run if I had just fed her.
Another thing with breast feeding is doing it when away from home. I think that right now there is such a stigma against it. You have those on one side who are so against it, don’t want to see it, don’t want to know it’s happening. Then you have those on the other side who say it’s such a natural thing..go ahead and do it in public. I was very uncomfortable doing it in public. If I was in somebody’s home, I had no problem doing it. But in public, no thanks. It took me a long time to finally get over this and to start doing it (and yes I was completely covered the entire time). Once I did it a couple of times, I was ok with it. But before that we would schedule everything around when I would have to feed her so I could be home.
What was also hard for me was that I always had trouble producing enough. At first I was able to produce enough for R, that wasn’t a problem. However I had trouble producing enough to be able to pump and feed her. The days I would try this, she was super crabby and want to eat more often. We decided to start supplementing with formula once a day, not only to give me a break from feeding her but also so I could pump and start a stash for daycare. Several months in, once I went back to work and was pumping more and nursing less, I started to produce less and less.
One of the hardest days for me so far was one Saturday afternoon when I nursed R and she was super crabby and we were unable to calm her down 30 min later. Out of desperation we made her a bottle and she drank 6oz. She was starving! I realized at that moment that I could not provide for my daughter. Ok, I could, with formula, but not by breastfeeding. As hard as it was for me to breastfeed at first, realizing I couldn’t provide enough for daughter was even harder.
I often wonder if the issues I had with my thyroid, my depression, and the amount of working out I did all played a role in how little I produced. As you can guess, this brings about it’s own guilt. If I stopped working out, could my body produce more? If my thyroid wasn’t crazy, could I produce more? If I was happy and not sad, would a trigger go off and allow me to produce more? All these demands and guilt I put on myself, just made the mental aspect of breastfeeding so much worse.
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label baby. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Monday, December 24, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Vegetable Garden and Baby Food
It's that time of year, the time to start planning what to plant and actually do something about it. Last year I attempted to grow lettuce and tomatoes. The lettuce I started from seed and not much happened, totally flop. The tomatoes I bought plants from a local store and those worked out really well. I didn't have a vegetable garden at that point and since this was my first attempt I just put the plants in pots and put them on my back deck. This was due to the large deer and rabbit problem we have. I kept up with taking care of them all summer, Husband loved having fresh tomatoes to snack on and I liked all the BLT's he made for dinner. Success!
Last fall we cleared an area in our yard in preparation for a vegetable garden this year. Wish us luck! Ok, wish me luck as this is my project and not Husbands. We're already talking about what to plant and that's where the humor comes in. We were walking the dog and discussing what to try. We know we want tomatoes again. I want lettuce..but I'll start from a plant and not seeds. Then Husband says to plant a blueberry bush. I just looked at him and said "You don't eat blueberries." He said yeah but they are healthy. I again repeated that he never eats them. Then he said "But they are healthy and you could use them to make baby food for baby girl."
Did your heart just flutter a bit? Mine did. See, from the start I told him I wanted to make baby food instead of buy it. There are a lot of chemicals in baby food that I don't feel she should be eating. I also feel it would save money and peace of mind knowing exactly what was in the food. He's been somewhat against this the whole time because he just sees all the work involved. I figured the extra work was worth it. I told him that I wanted to at least try it and if it didn't work, I was ok buying baby food but to keep in mind it would be organic. So when he mentioned planting blueberry bushes because it's healthy for the baby and I could use it for baby food, that just made my heart flutter. He's actually been thinking about it and thinking of ways to make this work. He came up with a couple of vegetables that we could plant and he followed each suggestion up with "You could use it to make baby food." I just love that.
I'm not sure exactly what is going to end up in our vegetable garden yet. I don't know how easy it will be for me to keep it up but I'm looking forward to the effort. We aren't going to plan to much this year, just enough to get into a routine and test out this adventure.
As for the blueberry bush, we decided to get a couple of them. I've been wanting to add a raspberry busy to the mix so we're looking into that as well. For those of you who have followed this blog for awhile, you might remember that we already have a blackberry bush. It did so well last year that I'm still using frozen berries from it in my smoothies. The blackberry bush grows along the fence that is around our pool and we plan to put the raspberry bush on the other side. Eventually I imagine they'll connect. Of course, we might decide to put the blueberry bushes in the middle. That will be interesting. Either way, I can't wait to get the plants and put them in the ground. I imagine it'll be a couple years before the new ones start to give us a decent crop but I'm willing to wait it out. Just keep your fingers crossed the deer decide not to eat the fruit. They leave the blackberries alone so let's hope they leave the others alone too.
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| Blackberry bush from last Spring..it's even bigger this year! |
I'm not sure exactly what is going to end up in our vegetable garden yet. I don't know how easy it will be for me to keep it up but I'm looking forward to the effort. We aren't going to plan to much this year, just enough to get into a routine and test out this adventure.
Monday, December 19, 2011
The Diaper Debate
I'm determined to use cloth diapers once Squirt arrives. So this debate isn't even whether I use cloth or disposables. The issue is do I use a diaper service or buy them ourselves.
At first I was set on using the all-in-one kind and getting enough that we would only have to wash every 2 or 3 days. Then I talked to a friend who used a diaper service and she recommended it. Even though she is a stay-at-home Mom she was happy not to have to actually clean the diapers off and wash them herself. Knowing that Husband was going along with the cloth diaper idea but not looking forward to cleaning the diapers I looked into a diaper service.
We compared the cost of the all-in-ones and the cost of the diaper service. We factored in both of us working 40 hours per week and needing to find time to do all this laundry. We factored in the cost of running our washing machine and dryer every couple of days. We went away leaning towards the diaper service. Since Husband only wants one kid, we wouldn't get as much use out of the diapers as other parents who re-use them for multiple children. So it came down to the cost not being that much different. We leaned towards the diaper service so that I wouldn't be stuck doing the extra loads of laundry and we wouldn't have to clean the diapers before putting them in the laundry.
Then I did some more reading and saw that the diaper services use pre-folds. First off, we already have the day-care reserved and we'll be using in-home daycare. The lady we decided to go with is perfectly ok with cloth diapering and says she did it with her kids. So I actually think she'll be ok with pre-folds. However, if we ended up not being happy with her and wanted to put Squirt in a daycare center, they would require the all-in-ones. So that could be an issue. The other thing is that I wasn't too happy with the pre-fold idea.
This past weekend we went to a store called Cotton Babies. I'm pretty sure they're my only option for a store that I can go into and buy cloth diapers instead of using the internet. They have several different kinds so we tested them all out on a doll. We came up with a way to do the pre-folds that makes me happy. I walked out saying ok, let's do this diaper service.
Later that night Husband brought up the cloth diapering and mentioned that if we're doing pre-folds we should look into buying everything and doing it ourselves instead of using a diaper service. He thought the pre-folds were pretty inexpensive and it would be a lot cheaper. So I ran numbers again. Even though he insists on only one child, so knowing we'll only use these diapers for one kid, it's still a heck of a lot cheaper for us to purchase the pre-folds and covers than to use the diaper service.
Here's what is holding me back. Again, we both work 40 hour weeks. Doing it all ourselves just means we'll have to do more laundry. We'll be exhausted. We'll want to spend time with Squirt and not doing laundry. Plus I had gotten really happy about the fact that I could just put soiled, poopy diapers in a bag and put it on my porch once a week and they magically get replaced with clean ones.
So here's my question to all you Mom's out there who used cloth diapers. You have experience, what can you suggest? Was doing a load of diapers every 2 days a big pain in the butt and you wish you used a service or was it something you got used to pretty quickly and it wasn't an issue. Is cleaning the diapers a pain, to the point that the idea of just throwing soiled diapers into a bag and forgetting about it would be heaven? Or is that something you quickly get used it?
Oh, and let me add in that we've run the numbers and we've erred on the side of things being more expensive and the cost of the diaper service is very management for us. So while keeping cost down is important, it's not a deal breaker (if that makes sense). I've also had people tell me that they were going to use cloth and lasted 2 weeks or a month, and switched to disposables because it was a pain (all these people have older children, so they weren't using the clothe options available these days). I don't see us doing that. Not just because I think it's the best option for my child and for the environment. But also because I'm pretty stubborn and since everyone is telling me I won't last and I won't like it, I'm determined to prove them wrong. haha
At first I was set on using the all-in-one kind and getting enough that we would only have to wash every 2 or 3 days. Then I talked to a friend who used a diaper service and she recommended it. Even though she is a stay-at-home Mom she was happy not to have to actually clean the diapers off and wash them herself. Knowing that Husband was going along with the cloth diaper idea but not looking forward to cleaning the diapers I looked into a diaper service.
We compared the cost of the all-in-ones and the cost of the diaper service. We factored in both of us working 40 hours per week and needing to find time to do all this laundry. We factored in the cost of running our washing machine and dryer every couple of days. We went away leaning towards the diaper service. Since Husband only wants one kid, we wouldn't get as much use out of the diapers as other parents who re-use them for multiple children. So it came down to the cost not being that much different. We leaned towards the diaper service so that I wouldn't be stuck doing the extra loads of laundry and we wouldn't have to clean the diapers before putting them in the laundry.
Then I did some more reading and saw that the diaper services use pre-folds. First off, we already have the day-care reserved and we'll be using in-home daycare. The lady we decided to go with is perfectly ok with cloth diapering and says she did it with her kids. So I actually think she'll be ok with pre-folds. However, if we ended up not being happy with her and wanted to put Squirt in a daycare center, they would require the all-in-ones. So that could be an issue. The other thing is that I wasn't too happy with the pre-fold idea.
This past weekend we went to a store called Cotton Babies. I'm pretty sure they're my only option for a store that I can go into and buy cloth diapers instead of using the internet. They have several different kinds so we tested them all out on a doll. We came up with a way to do the pre-folds that makes me happy. I walked out saying ok, let's do this diaper service.
Later that night Husband brought up the cloth diapering and mentioned that if we're doing pre-folds we should look into buying everything and doing it ourselves instead of using a diaper service. He thought the pre-folds were pretty inexpensive and it would be a lot cheaper. So I ran numbers again. Even though he insists on only one child, so knowing we'll only use these diapers for one kid, it's still a heck of a lot cheaper for us to purchase the pre-folds and covers than to use the diaper service.
Here's what is holding me back. Again, we both work 40 hour weeks. Doing it all ourselves just means we'll have to do more laundry. We'll be exhausted. We'll want to spend time with Squirt and not doing laundry. Plus I had gotten really happy about the fact that I could just put soiled, poopy diapers in a bag and put it on my porch once a week and they magically get replaced with clean ones.
So here's my question to all you Mom's out there who used cloth diapers. You have experience, what can you suggest? Was doing a load of diapers every 2 days a big pain in the butt and you wish you used a service or was it something you got used to pretty quickly and it wasn't an issue. Is cleaning the diapers a pain, to the point that the idea of just throwing soiled diapers into a bag and forgetting about it would be heaven? Or is that something you quickly get used it?
Oh, and let me add in that we've run the numbers and we've erred on the side of things being more expensive and the cost of the diaper service is very management for us. So while keeping cost down is important, it's not a deal breaker (if that makes sense). I've also had people tell me that they were going to use cloth and lasted 2 weeks or a month, and switched to disposables because it was a pain (all these people have older children, so they weren't using the clothe options available these days). I don't see us doing that. Not just because I think it's the best option for my child and for the environment. But also because I'm pretty stubborn and since everyone is telling me I won't last and I won't like it, I'm determined to prove them wrong. haha
Friday, November 25, 2011
Things NOT to say to somebody dealing with infertility
People deal with infertility in different ways, some people talk about it and don’t really mind telling people. Other people don’t tell people and prefer to keep it private. I’m of the type that preferred to keep it private. For me it was easier to deal with people asking me when we were going to try for kids than to get the pity looks and be asked how things were going. In fact, Husband and I told very few people we were even trying. I knew before we even started that it would be a long process and I had issues. The less people who knew the better.
So the following are things that people said to me during the time I was struggling with infertility. The people who said these things all knew I had fertility issues and was working closely with first my regular OB and then a specialist after a year.
1)Hold this baby, maybe it’ll rub off on you
Yes..because babies have some kind of magic fairy dust that only works on those females who are trying to get pregnant
2) Hurry up and get pregnant
I rather enjoy being depressed that my body doesn’t work correctly and I can’t get pregnant, I’ve been delaying this on purpose. Now that I know you want me to be pregnant though, I’ll get right on that.
3) Try harder
Right, I’m sorry, let me put in 110% effort instead of the 100% effort I’ve been doing. That’s all it is, I’m just not TRYING hard enough.
4) You workout too much and/or you need to stop running
Working out and running have nothing to do with infertility issues. I didn’t do anything extreme to cause issues with my body. Working out is actually a good thing for those wanting to get pregnant.
5) You need to gain weight
I work out, I eat healthy about 90% of the time. I’ve always been skinny. These people know that. I’m actually in a lot better shape than the people who told me this.
6) I know what you’re going through
This is the worst one. Not when it comes from somebody who really does understand, but when it comes from somebody who has no clue. I had somebody who already had one kid (no problems getting pregnant), and it took them roughly 5 months (which is average) to get pregnant with their 2nd kid, tell me that they knew what I was going through and I could talk to them about it if I wanted to. This is after I had been trying for a year, had gone through an OP surgery, and was on fertility drugs. No..they have no clue what it’s like to have infertility issues.
I’m sure there’s more, but I can’t think of any right now. Have you dealt with infertility? If so were there things people told you that really bothered you and you wished they hadn’t said anything?
So the following are things that people said to me during the time I was struggling with infertility. The people who said these things all knew I had fertility issues and was working closely with first my regular OB and then a specialist after a year.
1)Hold this baby, maybe it’ll rub off on you
Yes..because babies have some kind of magic fairy dust that only works on those females who are trying to get pregnant
2) Hurry up and get pregnant
I rather enjoy being depressed that my body doesn’t work correctly and I can’t get pregnant, I’ve been delaying this on purpose. Now that I know you want me to be pregnant though, I’ll get right on that.
3) Try harder
Right, I’m sorry, let me put in 110% effort instead of the 100% effort I’ve been doing. That’s all it is, I’m just not TRYING hard enough.
4) You workout too much and/or you need to stop running
Working out and running have nothing to do with infertility issues. I didn’t do anything extreme to cause issues with my body. Working out is actually a good thing for those wanting to get pregnant.
5) You need to gain weight
I work out, I eat healthy about 90% of the time. I’ve always been skinny. These people know that. I’m actually in a lot better shape than the people who told me this.
6) I know what you’re going through
This is the worst one. Not when it comes from somebody who really does understand, but when it comes from somebody who has no clue. I had somebody who already had one kid (no problems getting pregnant), and it took them roughly 5 months (which is average) to get pregnant with their 2nd kid, tell me that they knew what I was going through and I could talk to them about it if I wanted to. This is after I had been trying for a year, had gone through an OP surgery, and was on fertility drugs. No..they have no clue what it’s like to have infertility issues.
I’m sure there’s more, but I can’t think of any right now. Have you dealt with infertility? If so were there things people told you that really bothered you and you wished they hadn’t said anything?
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