Friday, September 14, 2012

Strength. Have it. Live it.

Strength.  Being Strong. Being awesome. Being a badass. Strength.

This is what I strive for.  This is what I want.  I'm not sure where this desire came from. I don't think I always had the desire.  Yet I know for the last couple of years it's been there.  Lately, however, it's even more important to me.  Why?  Because I have a daughter. 

No, I'm not going to give a speech about how I've changed now that I'm a Mom.   But I will admit that since my daughter has been born, as I struggle with my depression and my issues, the thing that drives me is that I HAVE to be strong for her.  I HAVE to get past my issues and be a good role model for her.  I HAVE to show her that woman are powerful and sexy and strong and totally badass. Why?  Because I want her to be strong. I want her to know that she can take on the world and she can kick ass. I want her to wake up in the morning and say "Today is not your day bitch.  It's mine."  If she decides she wants to take on something, be it a marathon or an ironman (or I guess she can pick her own sport), I want her to know she can do it.

How is R going to learn how to be strong if I'm not?  How will she know it's possible to set a goal and reach it.  Maybe she won't reach her goal the first time. I want her to know that it's ok.  Then I want her to try again. 

I recently had a discussion with Husband about how I needed to figure out how to be strong for her.  I want R to have a strong female role model so bad that I have to find a way to be strong myself.  He looked at me and said that I didn't need to find a way to be strong. I was already there.  He reminded me that I did a half marathon pregnant.  I did my first ever triathlon pregnant. I then did two more.  He said that she'll know that and she'll know that I am strong.   He then said that what's important is that my daughter will love me and look up to me for who I am, for the runner that I already am, not the runner that I feel I should be. 

He's right.

I don't always see it. I don't see how what I've already done was proving my strength. I don't see how what I continue to do is showing strength. It's not good enough.  I feel it's not good enough. I feel I owe her more.   I need to find a way to be ok with where I am and who I am. 


It's there. I have it. I just have to remember that. I have to see it and recognize it in myself.  Not many people will run 5 miles the day before having contractions.  Not many people would be back out there running 1.5 weeks after having a baby.  Sure, running is not the only thing to show strength. But it's what I DO. It's who I AM.  It's how I show that I'm strong enough to overcome my past. I'm strong enough to overcome the blockades in my life. 

One day R will be old enough to see what I'm doing.  I want her to know that what I'm doing is for me. It's for her.  One day when she asks why I run I want to be able to tell her why and explain the obstacles I had to fight to get here.  One day when she's at school and her friends or teacher ask her what she did over the weekend I want her to say "Watched my Mom compete in a (fill in the blank). She's a badass."    Because if she can see that in me, then I've done my job.  Because then she'll know that she can do it.  She can do what she wants. She can do whatever she sets her heart on.  No matter what it is.  No matter what is shoved in her way.  She is female. She is strong. She is smart. She is sexy. She is a badass.  At least..she will be.  Right now she's just super cute.

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