Strength. Being Strong. Being awesome. Being a badass. Strength.
This is what I strive for. This is what I want. I'm not sure where this desire came from. I don't think I always had the desire. Yet I know for the last couple of years it's been there. Lately, however, it's even more important to me. Why? Because I have a daughter.
How is R going to learn how to be strong if I'm not? How will she know it's possible to set a goal and reach it. Maybe she won't reach her goal the first time. I want her to know that it's ok. Then I want her to try again.
I recently had a discussion with Husband about how I needed to figure out how to be strong for her. I want R to have a strong female role model so bad that I have to find a way to be strong myself. He looked at me and said that I didn't need to find a way to be strong. I was already there. He reminded me that I did a half marathon pregnant. I did my first ever triathlon pregnant. I then did two more. He said that she'll know that and she'll know that I am strong. He then said that what's important is that my daughter will love me and look up to me for who I am, for the runner that I already am, not the runner that I feel I should be.
I don't always see it. I don't see how what I've already done was proving my strength. I don't see how what I continue to do is showing strength. It's not good enough. I feel it's not good enough. I feel I owe her more. I need to find a way to be ok with where I am and who I am.
It's there. I have it. I just have to remember that. I have to see it and recognize it in myself. Not many people will run 5 miles the day before having contractions. Not many people would be back out there running 1.5 weeks after having a baby. Sure, running is not the only thing to show strength. But it's what I DO. It's who I AM. It's how I show that I'm strong enough to overcome my past. I'm strong enough to overcome the blockades in my life.