Not too long ago Husband and I were driving home from a date night. We had a good evening, it was great to spend time with him without the baby. We talked, we laughed, we bonded again as a couple. As we got closer to home we also got closer to a local park where I have a planned trail race in November. Husband looked over and noticed I had tears streaming down my cheeks.
So this year when the email about the upcoming race came out I said I was in for the 30k, so run the loop 3 times. They both decided they would do the 30k as well. Immediatly upon finding out the only thought I had was "Shit! They are so much better and so much faster than me, they are going to lap me. I'll feel like a loser. I am such a loser."
This happened a couple days before this date night with Husband. As we got close to the park this thought popped into my head, about them laping me and me being a loser. This caused me to become super negative about myself and myself as a runner, which caused the tears.
I explained this to Husband and he said "Why can't you just run the race for fun, who cares if they run faster, aren't you doing it for fun anyway?". I processed this and replied: "I forgot how to enjoy running."
I forgot how to enjoy running. Running. Something I am dearly passionate about. It was no longer fun for me. It was no longer something I did for enjoyment. I was struggling through health issues and struggling through post-baby body to become a stronger runner than I was pre-pregnancy. For what? Not for fun. I felt I had to PROVE I was good enough. But prove to who? The person I felt I needed to prove myself to doesn't care. In fact, the only person I need to prove myself to is ME. I might not be happy with where I am but I also know I'm doing as best I can right now and that should be good enough. So why isn't it?