I forgot

Not too long ago Husband and I were driving home from a date night.  We had a good evening, it was great to spend time with him without the baby.  We talked, we laughed, we bonded again as a couple.  As we got closer to home we also got closer to a local park where I have a planned trail race in November.   Husband looked over and noticed I had tears streaming down my cheeks.  

I had not signed up for the race yet because registration hadn't opened.  However I had been in contact with some local runners who are also planning to run this same race.  The race has three distances: 10k, 20k, and 30k.  The race consists of a 10k course that you just repeat as many times as needed to do your distance. I wanted to do this race last year but couldn't because I was pregnant (I was still running but not trail running as it's too dangerious because I fall a lot).  I had planned the 30k last year.  A couple of the runners I knew did the 20k and had mentioned that they had no desire to do the 30k.   

So this year when the email about the upcoming race came out I said I was in for the 30k, so run the loop 3 times.  They both decided they would do the 30k as well.  Immediatly upon finding out the only thought I had was "Shit! They are so much better and so much faster than me, they are going to lap me. I'll feel like a loser. I am such a loser."

This happened a couple days before this date night with Husband.  As we got close to the park this thought popped into my head, about them laping me and me being a loser. This caused me to become super negative about myself and myself as a runner, which caused the tears.

I explained this to Husband and he said "Why can't you just run the race for fun, who cares if they run faster, aren't you doing it for fun anyway?".  I processed this and replied: "I forgot how to enjoy running."

I forgot how to enjoy running.  Running.  Something I am dearly passionate about. It was no longer fun for me. It was no longer something I did for enjoyment.  I was struggling through health issues and struggling through post-baby body to become a stronger runner than I was pre-pregnancy.  For what? Not for fun. I felt I had to PROVE I was good enough.  But prove to who?  The person I felt I needed to prove myself to doesn't care.  In fact, the only person I need to prove myself to is ME.  I might not be happy with where I am but I also know I'm doing as best I can right now and that should be good enough.  So why isn't it?