Chasing that "Gotcha" moment

From my previous post regarding running you know that I felt I had to prove myself to others.  In a recent conversation with somebody where I was trying to explain to them what is going on in my head and why I'm so messed up in terms of my running I was told that I have to stop chasing that "gotcha" moment.  Because I'm never going to get it.  If I continue to chase it I will never be happy with who I am or where I am at in regards to my running. My life.

I'm.never.going.to.get.it.

Harsh.  But true.  When I was told that it stopped me. I was like a deer in headlights.  Then I said "You're right.". 

I will NEVER be faster than the people I've run with who are already faster than me.  I will never be at their level.  I can try, there is nothing wrong with pushing myself in trying.  However they are doing the same thing.   Instead of trying to be faster than they are to prove that I'm a good runner, I need to focus on getting faster than I was.  I need to race against myself, not them.  I'm the only one that matters.  If I decide that I don't want to be faster and I'm comfortable where I am, that's fine too.  It doesn't mean I'm a bad runner.

If I have the same goals as others, in regards to distance or even what type of event I'm doing. I should not be upset if they get to do it first.  Life throws us curve balls.  My life is different than theirs.  I can't compare my life to theirs and expect to be able to cross something off of my bucket list before they can cross the same item off of theirs.  Life shouldn't be a competition.

I have to learn to step back and not compare myself to others.  We are all at different levels and different places in life.  I need to learn that I need to move at my own pace. I need to do what I'm capable of right now, while I juggle an infant and life as a new Mom (that still sounds scary).

If I continue to compare myself to others and get upset when they reach a milestone that I wanted to reach, I'll never be happy. 

I have to learn to be happy with where I'm at.  This is true in regards to my fitness. This is true in regards to my life. 

I'm a very competitive person.  Sometimes this is a good thing but lately it's been a bad thing.  I forget that I just went through 9 months of pregnancy. I forget that I just gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.  I forget that my life completely changed.  I forget that I have to adjust my priorities because they aren't the same anymore.  That's a good thing.  That's a scary thing.

I see people doing things that I want to do and that I know I'm capable of doing.  I have to tell myself that it's OK that I haven't done it yet. It's ok that it's still on my bucket list.  I will get to cross it off one day. But I have to do it in my own time. I have to do it when it fits into my life. Unfortunately that's not always going to be when I want it to be.  I can't get upset about this. I have to learn to roll with it.

It's good to have goals. It's good to be competitive.  However it's not good to be chasing that "gotcha" moment.  I need to learn to do things for me. Not because I want others to think I'm worthy and I'm good enough.  Plus, when it comes down to it. What does it matter if others get to do things on my bucket list before I do?  What matters is that I get to do the things on MY bucket list.

Tough love. 

This is a tough lesson.  I know this will be a struggle for me.  With time I hope I can find my happy place.